I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
