I am puke
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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