I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
