Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
