I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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