But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
