I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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