This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
