mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
