You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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