when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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