I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
