You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
