Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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