i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
