I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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