either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
