It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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