Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I can't turn off my feet"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
