I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
