I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
