You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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