we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
