when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Randomize
