i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
