So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
