Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
