i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
