he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
