if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
