Apparently you make a good broom.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
