So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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