Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
