There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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