just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
