Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
