my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
