i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
