Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
