tell your sister to shave her snatch
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
