I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
