it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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