I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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