I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
