Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
