"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
