I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
