Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
