I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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