dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
